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Video Game Comedy/Ocarina of Time/Chapter 1
DEKU TREE: In the vast, deep forest of Hyrule, long have I served as the guardian spirit. I am The Deku tree. I care for a whole bunch of children who never grow up, and can't leave, because that's not creepy at all. The children of the forest, the Kokiri, live here with me. Each Kokiri has his or her own guardian fairy. They are extremely annoying, but yet there is one boy who does not have a fairy, and there's a lot of prejudice against him for it. Chapter 1 DEKU TREE: Navi, Navi, where art thou? come hither. NAVI: HEY!! LISTEN!! DEKU TREE: Thou shall not start with thy "hey"s and thy "listen"s Just listen to my words. Dost thou sense it? the climate of evil descending upon this realm. CONSERVATIVE NUTJOB WITH NO PLACE IN THE PLOT: What do you mean there, talkin' 'bout some "climate descendin'" There ain't no climate change! DEKU TREE: Will thou shut thine stupid piehole? Anyhow, Malevolent forces even now are mustering to attack out land of Hyrule. CONSERVATIVE NUTJOB WITH NO PLACE IN THE PLOT: As can be expected when you have the Goddamn anti-Christ Obama in the whitehouse! (Deku Tree Branch bands down to strangle conservative nutjob) DEKU TREE: For so long, the Kokiri Forest, the source of life, has stood as a barrier, deterring outsiders and maintaining the order of the world CONSERVATIVE NUTJOB WITH NO PLACE IN THE PLOT: You... *gak* see... now? *guk* There's a... *gurk* new world order... (Deku Tree slips another branch down conservative nutjob's throat and starts gagging him) DEKU TREE: Before this tremendous evil power, even my power is as nothing. It seems the time has come for the boy without a fairy to begin his journey. The youth whose destiny it is to lead Hyrule to the path of justice and truth. CONSERVATIVE NUTJOB WITH NO PLACE IN THE PLOT: Thaaa... ay no gubermeh.. *gak* twoof. day... hi... ed to further... powidikul agenda... (Navi fly's away to Link's house) NAVI: HEY! LISTEN!! Link, wake up! LINK: Mm... uhh... Would you please... get out of my house and tell Mido that I'm not mowing his lawn this morning. NAVI: The Great Deku Tree wants to talk to you. Get up. LINK (Still not looking up, face planted into pillow): Fado, is this some kind of Joke? NAVI: Just look. LINK: FINE! (Link looks up) LINK: Who are you? NAVI: I'm Navi, the fairy. LINK: Great. I heard about how annoying these guys are, I have no clue why they are looked at with such reverence. Okay, I'll go to the Deku Tree, but Let's act like you don't exist. okay? (Link exists house) SARIA: Yahoo! Hi Link! LINK: Reference to no longer relevant company... Nevermind. How are you, Saria? SARIA: Wow! A fairy! LINK: Are you making assumptions about my sexual orientation? SARIA: No. A fairy finally came to you. LINK: Fairy? I don't see any fairy. (Link tries to wave Navi away) NAVI: HEY!!! LINK: Shut... up... You don't... exist... Hey Saria, does the Kokiri Shop sell Fly swatters? (Saria glares) (Link Leaves and goes to the Deku Tree path) MIDO: Hold it! Where do you think you're going, Mr. No Fairy? LINK: Why do you guys love your fucking fairies so much? I have one now, and I already hate it. Seriously Mido, step aside. The Deku Tree wants to speak to me. MIDO: There's no way The Deku Tree would pick a wimp like you, and not me. The Great Mido! LINK: Uh oh! Narcissist alert. MIDO: You don't even have a sword and shield. LINK: Neither do you. MIDO: Um... er... Just get a sword and shield and I'll let you through. (Link starts looking around for Rupees to buy a shield) LINK: Wow. How come so many people leave money lying around in the grass? Not that it isn't a big help, but still. NAVI: HEY!! LINK: I'm right here. you don't have to shout. NAVI: LISTEN!!! LINK: I'm listening! I'm listening! NAVI: Did you know that shields are used for defense? LINK: Yes. I knew that. Please stop talking now. 5 minutes later LINK: Deku Shield please. SHOPKEEPER: That'll be 500 Rupees. LINK: Are you kidding me? None of our wallets are that big. SHOPKEEPER: Yes, I'm kidding, It's only 40 Rupees. LINK: How much for a flyswatter, so I can kill this goddamn fairy? SHOPKEEPER: Sorry. We don't carry those. (Link climbs up a hill, and crawls through a hole in the rocks, and only to find, a giant boulder rolling at him) LINK: OOOOH SHII---- (Link jumps aside, then walks behind it, only to find a chest, with a sword in it, so he goes back to Mido) LINK: I have my sword and shield. MIDO: I will never accept you as one of- (Link throws a rock at Mido, knocking him unconcious) DEKU TREE: Greetings Link. I have been cursed, and I'm hoping you have the courage to fulfill my request. LINK: Okay, fine. (Deku Tree opens mouth) DEKU TREE: Enter, brave Link, and you too Navi. LINK: Does Navi HAVE to come with me? She's annoying. DEKU TREE: Yes. LINK: FINE! (Link enters Deku Tree's mouth) TO BE CONTINUED